His Bow in the Clouds

While there is a lesson (or two or ten) surrounding the genealogies that follow the story of Cain and Abel.  For the sake of keeping this train moving, I'm going to skip to the story of Noah and the flood.  I'm sure we will touch on the genealogies in some other areas.  It takes a lot of work to explain the concept of genealogy to a westerner in a way that they appreciate it and I'd like to keep the conversation moving on the trajectory we are on.  Just let it be known that genealogies are NOT simply a waste of space.  For the Jewish people, the genealogies are the best part of the narrative!

Nevertheless, the story continues.  And it's worth noting that after God took the world from tohu va'vohu (chaos) and brought it into order in Genesis one, the characters of the story have been slowly bringing the order back into chaos.  First with a person, then to a family, then to a whole family lineage, and then to a whole humanity.   The story of Noah begins with God declaring that mankind has become too corrupt and it is time to start over -- He's going to wipe the slate clean.

Now, before I get accused of running past one of the glaring points we ignore — the massacre of all humanity — let me make an observation that we'll expound on in later posts.  This story, for the ancient reader, is an obvious juxtaposition against their own well-known folklore.  The recipients of Genesis are from the ancient land of Mesopotamia.  One of the most famous ancient works of literature is the Mesopotamian Epic of Gilgamesh (EoG), which significantly predates Genesis.  The whole story of Noah is supposed to be held against the EoG.

At one point in the EoG, the main character becomes aware time and time again of the gods' plan to destroy the earth.  As Gilgamesh faces the prospects of death, he begins a search for immortality which leads him to another character, Utnapishtim.  Utnapishtim builds a large boat, loads it with his relatives and all species of animals and survives the Great Deluge.  At the end of the story, Utnapishtim even sends out birds to find dry land.


Now, the differences within the juxtaposition are striking.  Instead of the main characters running from, outsmarting, and defeating angry gods, the Biblical story has God partnering with man and having man assist Him in saving creation.  And that one point alone is worth putting in your cap.  God is not angry, He's looking for partners.  It's not a story of massacre.  It's a story of salvation.

But I digress.  Back to the story.

So God decides to start over in a sense and the sixth chapter of Genesis is where God returns creation back to its state of watery chaos.  The deluge reminds us of where the story began.  In fact, there are numerous parallels between the story of the flood and of the creation story of Genesis one.  After God brings creation back to tohu va'vohu, we find the Spirit of God once again blowing over the waters (compare 1:2 with 8:1, keeping in mind that "wind" is the same exact word for "spirit" [ruach; spirit, wind, breath]).  We find that the waters are being separated, the dry land appearing, birds being released and beasts being turned loose (many rabbis go to great length to show the seven days of creation paralleled in Genesis eight).  We also hear the same refrain to "be fruitful and multiply" (9:1) and even the command "you must not eat" being repeated (9:4).  This is the story of creation — or maybe of REcreation.

But what is the point of this creation story?  The first creation story was a chiasm.  This creation story happens to be a chiasm as well.  There are a few ways I could go about pointing it out, but I'll pick on of the easiest ways for a western reader to see it.  If one pays attention to the numbers of the story, particularly the numbers related to "days", they begin to immediately see the mirroring effect.

Seven days (7:4) 
Seven days (7:10) 
Forty days (7:17) 
Hundred and fifty days (7:24)
Hundred and fifty days (8:3)
Forty days (8:6)
Seven days (8:10)
Seven days (8:12)

What this means is that the "treasure" buried in Noah's story is 8:1-3a.

"But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.  Now the springs of the deep and the floodgates of the heavens had been closed, and the rain had stopped falling from the sky.  The waters receded steadily from the earth."

Now the story is bookended with talk about covenant (see 6:18 and 9:9).  So the Jews teach that when God remembers Noah, He is remembering the covenant He promised to make with Noah.  They also notice that the end of the story is a diatribe about this Noahic covenant.  Just read 9:9 through 9:17 and listen to how much repetition there is concerning covenant.

No, really.  You should stop reading this and read Genesis 9:9-17.


Now, if you just did that, you may have noticed something else.  Did Genesis 9:9-17 seem chiastic to you?  That's because it is!  the center of that chiasm ends up being 9:13-14 (I know that I'm starting to lose the typical reader who has been taught to analyze the propositions of the Text, but hang with me!).  God says He'll put his bow in the clouds; that when the clouds come He will remember — sounds like the center of the Noah story!

What is all of this about remembering?
And why is this story paralleling creation?

Because we are learning the same lesson about God (from Genesis one) all over again.  God is reaffirming the goodness of creation.  God said that He would put his bow (not a "rainbow" in the Hebrew, but a bow) in the clouds.  What is a bow?  It is a weapon of destruction.  You see, God is demonstrating His ability to know when to say enough. 

The first time, God knew when to stop creating.
This time, God knows when to stop destroying.

God knows when to say enough.  God is FOR creation, not against it.  We're being invited to trust the story — again.  Do we view God as an angry deity that needs to be escaped (grab your Epics of Gilgamesh!)?  Or is He a god that thinks creation is good and keeps promising that we can find rest for our souls?


I wonder how Noah will respond to God's invitation to trust the story…

Crouching at the Door

The story continues and Adam and Eve have two sons -- Cain and Abel.  The story tells us that the firstborn son is name Cain (Cayin in the Hebrew).  This name means "I have acquired".  It appears as though, through the name, Eve is acknowledging that she has learned a lesson from her previous experience in the garden.  One could say that in the last story, Eve became obsessed with her own creativity and refused to trust God's greater story -- that He had already created a good creation.  The name of Cain seems to imply that she recognizes that fact that she is not the one who created her son, but instead she has "acquired" him.  She even says in first verse of chapter four, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man."

Tempting to launch into a deep word study of the name Cayin, but for the sake of brevity, let's move on.

It's important to note that, in Hebrew thought, the name of an individual describes their essence.  Your name is who you are.  So, Eve naming her son Cain is more than just a statement about what she has learned.  It is also a statement about who Cain will become.  What will acquiring have to do with Cain's identity and life struggle?  This will be crucial as we continue listening to the story.

The story tells us that Abel is a shepherd and Cain is a farmer -- a typical place for an ancient Sumerian tell about creation to begin.  Two of the most ancient professions of humanity.  We are told that they both bring offerings to God and that God takes a liking to Abel's offering and doesn't particularly care for Cain's. 

That is all we are told.
This is important; as most westerners immediately want to begin speculating as to what was wrong with the sacrifice.  Speculation that's not based in historical context is always dangerous.  The important thing here is that the author doesn't tell us why the sacrifice isn't as acceptable.  There may or may not be hints within the Text as to why, but we need to be careful that we don't miss the details of what IS in the Text.  Apparently, the author does not want us to fixate on the content of the sacrifice, but the motivations of Cain (psst... remember his name?  That isn't just fluffy detail that is insignificant...).

Also, it's very important to note what the author does NOT say.
He does NOT say why the sacrifice is less acceptable.
He does NOT say that God is mad.  Or displeased.  Or even frustrated.
It does NOT say that Cain has sinned.
It simply says that two guys brought two sacrifices and God liked one more than the other.  He does NOT chastise Cain or reprimand him at all; in fact, the story proceeds much differently.

Now, pause in the story and let one problem sink in.  Just like in Genesis 1 and just like in Genesis 2-3, this story has problems -- things that just aren't right.  To use an illustration from Rabbi David Fohrman, what kind of a dad would have two sons and when the two sons brought two pictures to him -- one clearly more desirable than the other -- would make his opinion of the two pictures known?  Wouldn't any father acknowledge the loving motivations of the two sons and treat both pictures evenly, placing them both on the refrigerator door?

What kind of a God are we dealing with here?
Some people would say this is what is wrong with religion.

OR, is the author trying to draw us into that very question?  What kind of God are we dealing with here?

I wonder if Cain's name has anything to do with this?

Now, the story tells us that Cain is concerned about God's liking of his brother's sacrifice and that "his face was downcast".  Again, pause button.  Why is Cain upset?  Is he upset about his sacrifice?  His response will be to kill his brother (spoiler alert), so apparently it has to do with Abel.  Is it that God likes Abel more?  But why does he have to kill the brother?  What about his name -- "I have acquired"?

Does Cain have an innate awareness that his entire livelihood comes at the blessing of God?  As a farmer, does he know how badly he needs the sun and rain, things that he knows he has no control over?  Things that he knows he is at the mercy of God to receive?  In order to ACQUIRE, doesn't he need God's blessing?

You see, his brother Abel is a threat.  If Abel keeps giving good gifts, than he will likely begin to steal God's favor.  At this point, Cain would be in danger of no longer acquiring good things.  Abel must be removed from the equation.

But God comes and insists that the exact opposite is true.  His response to Cain is one of my favorite questions of God in the Text: "Cain, why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?"

God tells Cain he is just fine.  He doesn't like Abel more.  He doesn't like Cain less.  His evaluation of their offerings had no effect on their standing before Him.  If Cain simply lets it go and heads into tomorrow, he will be accepted.

He is already accepted.
He has everything that he needs.

Sound familiar?
It's almost like Genesis 1...

Cain is being invited to trust the story.  The same invitation that was issued to his parents is now being issued to him.  Apparently, even our mistakes and our shortcomings (dare I say even our sin), don't keep us from God's love and acceptance.  Cain is being invited to trust in God's love, to enter His rest, and let it go.  Write a new tomorrow.

And did you notice God's next statement right where we left off?  "If you don't do what's right, sin is crouching at your door.  It's desire is for you, but you must master it."  There's that idea of mastering your desires again.  Apparently, Cain is being invited to learn the very lesson his parents needed to learn.  You are not a beast.  You are made in the image of the God who knows when to say enough.  You can master your desires.

Don't be obsessed with your creativity Cain.  You will acquire.  God will take care of you.  Master your desires and your doubts about God's love for you.  Don't murder your brother because of your need to create -- to acquire.

We all know how the story ends, Cain kills his brother, refusing to trust the story and leading the narrative into tragedy.  He receives the consequences of his actions and then passes it down to his children.  Of course, there will be "another son" of Adam -- but now I'm getting into the next blog post...


Yet, the story begs us to make some basic observations.  Sometimes life hands us situations where what we have to offer is just simply not as good as it could be.  Sometimes we mess up.  Sometimes we flat out sin.  Sometimes we feel as though God's just not paying attention to us anymore and we begin to wonder if we're somehow dropping down the list of God's noticeables.

But God continues to insist that acceptance is ours.  He continues to invite us to trust His story and enter His place of rest for our souls.  He looks at our moments of personal frustration (even failures) and His words to Cain echo through the ages to our own ears: "Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  Just do what's right RIGHT NOW.  Acceptance is yours.  Move on."

Trust the story.


**  Again, as will be true of much of my material on the Torah, Rabbi David Fohrman was a major shaper of my thinking and leader to almost all of the questions raised by the Text in Genesis.

The God that Knows When to Say Enough

And so the story moves on and we're told more about this creation of man that God made in His image and declared to be good.

We're introduced to a garden -- Eden ("delight") as God calls it -- and told that it is full of trees that are pleasing to the eye and good for food.  We are told about two trees in particular: the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Then we're told about four rivers in one of the weirdest additions to the biblical text that I've ever found.  Outside of mystical interpretations (which may be completely legitimate, but not my textual "go-to-punch"), this paragraph appears to be nonsensical, irrelevant, wasteful, and a complete detraction from the current biblical narrative.  But, hold onto that thought, because no word is wasted -- it will come back in a later post.

God commands man not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and then makes a partner suitable for him.  She is taken from his ribs -- the innermost parts of him -- and is said to be his ezer k'negdo.  This term translates as the "help that opposes" (perhaps more on this later, but not for this post).  When God presents her to Adam, he names her "woman", a term that speaks of who she is.

We're then told that they are both naked.

This idea comes up a lot in the story, by the way.  The author seems to be particularly interested in this fact that doesn't seem to have too much relevance outside of explaining our incessant need for clothing.  At the beginning, we are told they are naked.  They eat from the tree and realize they are naked.  They hide from God and when God confronts them the main point Adam feels compelled to bring up is his nakedness.  Then God makes skins to cover their nakedness.

But there are other problems with the story, aren't there?

What about this tree?  It is called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and yet -- it is not.  Eve has a perfectly good understanding of good and evil.  She explains to the snake that she is not to eat of the tree -- that doing so would be wrong.  And even if that is not true, how can God justly punish a person who did not obtain the knowledge necessary to make the appropriate decision.  Justly, He would only be able to punish her on the SECOND time she ate from the tree; this is the only time she would have possessed the knowledge necessary to act in disobedience.

And why does Adam name Eve twice?  At the end of the story, he names her Eve.  But she already had a perfectly functioning name given to her by Adam -- Woman.

And how about this snake?  Why does nobody seem to be bothered by a talking snake? 

You see, this story is full of problems.  Much like the story of Genesis 1.  And any Jew would tell you that when there are problems in a story, grab a shovel, because there is more going on and you need to start digging. 

Well, to be fair, you don't hear the story in the original language.  So you don't hear one of the triggers inherent in the story.

Remember the idea of nakedness that seems to keep coming up over and over again in the story?  And do you remember the idea of chiasm from the last post?  Well, sure enough, this story is a chiasm as well.  The story begins with Adam naming her Woman and them being naked.  The story end with Adam naming her Eve and their nakedness being covered.  And in the middle of the story?  They eat from the tree, their eyes are opened, and they realize they are naked.  The whole story is about nakedness -- somehow.

Well, the Hebrew word for "naked" is 'arowm and the word for "nakedness" (used in the rest of the story) is 'eyrom.

And if you were listening to verse 3:1 in the Hebrew, you would have heard that the serpent was "crafty" or 'aruwm.  The word is so close to the word for naked, you almost wouldn't have noticed the difference at first. 

Not only this, but the story keeps trying to make the serpent look awfully like the humans.  The serpent can talk.  The serpent can walk (Didn't think the snake was walking? God's curse is that it would crawl on it's belly for the rest of its days).  The serpent can reason and argue.  The serpent can relate.

So, why is the author trying to make the serpent like the naked humans?  It's almost as if the author is begging the question: What makes a human different from an animal?  Try to answer that question and look at the above paragraph.  All of the things we would typically say to answer that question don't work within the Genesis story.

Did we notice anything else about the story that was amiss?  Did you notice what Eve saw when she looked at the tree?  God had said that all the trees of the garden were pleasing to the eye and good for food.  But when Eve looked at the tree, she saw that it was "pleasing to the eye, good for food, and desirable..."

The rabbis teach that the difference between man and beast is desire.  Think about it.  When an animal wants to eat, what does it do?  It eats.  An animal is not capable of practicing self-restraint.  This is actually the temptation of Eve.  The serpent tempts her to think that she is no different than an animal.  "God put the tree in the garden.  It's pleasing and good.  Just eat it.  God gave you desire for it, didn't He?  How could He give you desire and not want you to act?  You're just a beast like me."

You remember the invitation of Genesis 1?  To trust the story.  To trust that creation is good enough.  There is nothing more that God could do.  God's not holding out on you.



Adam and Eve are being invited to trust the story.  Yes, the tree is pleasing and good -- and desirable.  But you can trust that creation is good enough.  You can trust and rest.



One of the other answers to the question, what makes humans different from animals is that we are made in the image of God.  That is the right answer, but it simply leads to another question.  What does it mean to be made in God's image?


One of the names for God is "El Shaddai".  We translate that a lot of ways in the English, but it is very difficult to translate accurately.  The ancient rabbis said that the name literally should translate "the God that knows when to say enough".


And that's who He was in Genesis 1.  He knew when to say "enough".  He looked out at creation and He said, "It's very good.  I'm done."  He didn't rest because He needed a nap or was exhausted.  He rested because there was nothing else to do.  If He kept creating, He would actually destroy creation.  He knew when to say "enough".



You are made in the image of God.  You are built to be capable of saying "enough".  You aren't an animal.  You can control your desires.  But controlling your desires and saying "enough" is only an option if you trust the story.


God told His people in Genesis 1 that they had value, worth, and acceptance just because of who they ARE and not for what they produce.  Did you notice the two names of Woman/Eve?  The first name (before the tree) was all about her essence; who she was.  The second name (after the tree) was all about what she could produce.  It's the tragedy of not trusting the story.  We become people driven by our desires -- most importantly, our desire to be accepted.  And so we go and we go and we go.  We produce and we produce and we work and we impress and we do and we do.



But God invites us to trust the story.  God invites us to rest from our incessant need to be "human doings" rather than human beings.  God invites us to be made in His image and tell our desires enough -- they cannot rule over us.


Will you trust the story?

Will you enter God's rest?

Are you able to say "enough" to your deepest desires?

You are more than a beast.


**  There are parts of this post that were formed from the teachings of Rabbi David Fohrman and his multi-part teaching "Serpents of Desire".

SABBATH: A Trust Story

Thanks to all of you who contributed to the discussion from my last blog post.  Most of you talked to me or messaged me in private and I appreciated all of your perspective.  Some of my favorite conversation from multiple people spoke of how feelings and emotions helped you know that you are alive.

I think that I am going to start blogging more and more about some of my thoughts on theology and biblical interpretation.  My main goal with this blog has been to keep people (especially our supporters) updated on our ministry.  This will remain one of my primary concerns.  However, I also feel the need to keep my blog active, as people quit visiting a blog once it becomes dormant.  I have always stayed away from matter of theology and teaching because I have not wanted to seek out controversy.  Yet, what has happened instead is that my blog has been a few things: first of all, it has been forced at times as I've felt as though I "have to say something" versus "having something to say".  Secondly, it has not been a true reflection of myself as God has created me to be; I am a teacher and a theologian at heart.  Finally, my blog has disappointed some, who have expected it to be more theological and provocative, just based on knowing me personally.

That being said, I will continue to keep you updated on our ministry throughout my postings here.  I will also attempt to use much tact and grace in my theological musings.  Knowing my history, I will fail miserably and will continue to grow in that.

So, with no further ado -- let's start in the beginning.



"In the beginning, God created..."

The Bible begins with a creation story that we read in the first chapter of Genesis (tailing into the first few verses of the second chapter as well).  The story has a few notable characteristics.

The refrain of God seeing the goodness of creation.  Over and over again, God sees that creation is good.

This refrain seems to create a crescendo of sorts -- culminating in the creation of man; as God looks out over everything He has made, He sees that it is VERY good.

The first part of this creation poem (this is an ancient, chiastic, Mesopotamian poem) mirrors the second half.  On the first three days, God separates (light from darkness, waters above from waters below, land from sea) and the next three days, God fills what He has separated (place of light/darkness is filled with sun, moon, and stars; place of waters is filled with birds/fish, land is filled with beasts/humans).  Day One corresponds to Day Four, Day Two to Day Five, and Day Three with Day Six.

As you examine the above paragraph, it becomes strikingly clear that this poem is not about HOW creation happened (evolution v. creationism), it is about WHAT happened and WHO did it.  The days are called days; yet we, as a human race, have only measured a day one way -- the movement of the sun -- which isn't made until the fourth day.  How then, do we know that the first three days are even days?  This leads to another observation...

The other refrain ("it was evening and it was morning") is backwards.  Is the author trying to grab our attention?  Is he trying to say something about the way we understand a day?  Our existence?

Speaking of this latter refrain, it is missing from the seventh day.  Why?  It's almost as if the seventh day never ends; it just hangs out off the end of the story as if it goes on into eternity.

The story seems to be about creating and resting.
The story starts with a sense of nothingness. "Now the earth was formless and void (tohu va'vohu)"  tohu va'vohu in the Hebrew means "chaotic nothingness".
The story ends with a sense of nothingness.  God rests and does nothing.
The story is definitely about something being GOOD.

How do we pull all of these problems together?  In ancient eastern literature, authors did not have propositions.  The western world introduced us to propositional thought.  The ancient eastern world told stories as an art form.  It was a way of conveying truth -- not through proposition, but through self discovery.  They buried truth as a treasure within a story.  Finding truth was always work for the hearer/reader.  You had to go find it.

In order to lead the hearers on this treasure hunt, the ancient authors used tools to help give clues to the treasure hunter.  One of the most commonly utilized tools of their day (especially in the Scriptures) is what we call "chiastic" literature.  The story ends up being split in the middle with the first half mirroring the second half.  This creates an ABC CBA or even an ABC ABC structure (Genesis 1 happens to be BOTH; in content, as we have already seen, it is ABC ABC [Day 1 corresponds to Day 4, 2 to 5 and 3 to 6]; however, in amount of content, it will be ABC CBA [Day 1 is a baby paragraph, Day 2 is a mommy paragraph, Day 3 is a daddy paragraph, Day 4 = daddy, Day 5 = mommy, Day 6 would be baby, except for the creation of mankind, which happens to be the point of the poem]).

Once one has found the chiastic structure, they are able to find the center of the poem -- this is important, for the center of the poem will be the buried treasure for the hearer.  If one counts Hebrew words, they find that the center of the poem happens to be the Hebrew word moad (translated "seasons"; Day 4).  This happens to be one of the Hebrew words that we will translate "sabbaths" -- which is exactly what God does on the seventh day.

So, how do we use this eastern treasure to pull together all of our observations from before?  Why is moad the buried treasure for the hearers? 

Who are the hearers?  They are a recently rescued nation of slaves who have, for 400 years, been making bricks.  They have been told that their entire value and worth is wrapped up in what they are able to produce (bricks).  This God comes and the first story He tells them is a story is an invitation to take a break -- a Sabbath -- and rest.

He insists that creation -- themselves in particular -- is good.
He invites them to stop working and trust that they are loved, valued and accepted just because of who they ARE -- not for what they DO.
He tells them that this seventh day rest has no end, but that it goes on forever.

God invites the ancient Israelites to see the world through a new set of lenses.  He invites them to believe that He sees them as GOOD -- made in the image of the Creator.  He tells them to quit trying to find their value in what they are able to do and produce.  But instead, they should stop working and REST.

He tells them, over and over again, that the story is good.
And He invites them to trust the story.

Quit trying to appease an angry God.
Quit trying to impress and please and become and do and prove yourself.


Why does each day end with "it was evening and it was morning"?
For a Jew, the day begins at sundown -- not at sunrise.
The rabbis teach that this is because God wants your day to begin with REST and not PRODUCTION.

You are invited to trust the story and see creation differently.



It will be incredibly important that we start the story HERE and not with the fall.
To start with God's goodness and not our crappiness.


But more on that later :)


** I am obviously pulling much of my material from Rob Bell in sources like "Everything is Spiritual" and "Beginning in the Beginning".   I also pull a lot of thoughts from Rabbi David Fohrman.  I am indebted to the work of countless other people that I have researched endlessly over the years.  This is not my own.  There have been some dominant voices that have given rise to many of my thoughts and I will work hard to give credit to those voices in my posts.

Feeling the Intellect

I have spent my whole life thinking.

Thinking is my drug of choice.  When I'm scared or confused or in trouble, I often find ways to run to my intellect and "think it through".  I have always tried to find my identity in my ability to think.  I have tried to prove that I matter and validate my self-worth in how I manage to use my mind.

God has been trying to teach me something about emotion and feeling this year.

And it's driving me crazy because He's not trying to teach me in my 'mind'.  He's trying to teach my heart -- my insides -- something.

In the past, I have always created a safe place for me to exist.  I create a world where I control the information -- both given and received -- and how it is being used.  When life throws me a new experience, I have always immediately attempted to perceive it, understand it, and explain it.  This process has always allowed me figure how the experience philosophically interacts with my worldview; I file it accordingly, pillage its resources (i.e. information), and move on.

This has affected my relationships in life.  For some time, I have been aware of my subconscious desire to keep people and relationships at arms length.  I do this for a few reasons.  First, it's safer; more distance means less impact.  Secondly, doing this allows me to maintain perspective.  If I can keep you at arms length, I can continue to monitor, analyze, learn and respond based on my reasoning.

I love you, just don't get close to me.
I can't study you if you are up close.

I have also been aware (intellectually aware, mind you) of the challenges this posture of life presents to me.  I have evaluated my life like a lab report and made the appropriate, logical changes.  I have found that one of the ways that I best serve the Kingdom is for me to become a part of the team and find the right places to question the status quo.  I am a question-asker.

I have done this with theology and God Himself.  I have realized that I love the drug of thought.  It feeds my soul and gives me the false sense of "closeness" to learn and have God blow up my mind and understanding over and over again.  

But God has recently begun pulling at my security blanket of understanding.  For the first time in my life, I have pursued deep and meaningful relationships in my ministry.  Without realizing what had happened, I found that I had backed myself into a place where I was emotionally connected to people that I was investing into.  I found that their struggles and pains are much more than simply problems to be evaluated, critiqued and adjusted.  I have found that even in the midst of my perfectly functional explanation, I still hurt.  I share in their pain.  I continue to think of a good friend of mine who talked about how relationship is messy, because it invites me to deal with their dirty laundry.

And I'm exhausted.
(NOTE: This is not to say that I am "down" or depressed.  On the contrary, I feel very spiritually healthy and a little bit "alive" through this whole experience.  I believe my exhaustion is largely mental and connected to my inability to file the experience in my mental cabinets.)

My family has become the long process of applying and being licensed for foster care.  I did this for what I would have called compassion and wanting to pursue a heart that beats like God's.  However, I came to that conclusion based on intellectual evaluation of my theology and a deep questioning of whether the status quo of my life was consistent to my stated belief.  I found that I wanted to do more, I made the appropriate changes (based on much prayer), and executed the plan.

What I didn't see in my plan was how much the pain of children would mess with my heart.  The suffering of innocent people looks at my understanding and my theology and my philosophy of restoration/redemption and it laughs -- it mocks -- my intellect.  It continues to point out the blatant limitations that fall upon my detached understanding of reality.

There are no profound observations at the end of this post.  Just a few questions.  And I know that the irony of this situation is that I'm trying to glean information in order to understand the very heart that I said was obviously bigger than my mind.  I understand the irony -- and yet this is the only way that I know how to live.  It is how I've been made.  So, I've become willing to admit that my worldview is limited and in need of other people and I'm wondering if you might be willing to humor me for a moment.

As a means of introspection: How are you wired?  How do you see the world?  What are the limitations that you've encountered in how to relate to all the stimulus around you?  Could God be trying to teach you something right now?

But most importantly, I wanted to ask a question of those people that DON'T see the world like I do -- in fact my opposites (who probably don't read my blog, so this may be a pointless endeavor).  For those of you who love to engage feeling and emotion:  What are the positives of your experience?  What do you enjoy about feeling and emotion?  How does it speak to you and what does it accomplish in your life?

I'd love to hear some feedback from you, because it may help me understand my own experiences that I try to avoid for much of my life.  I also feel as though there is much I have yet to unpack.  This is the tip of the proverbial iceberg for my life.  I am excited to see what God can redeem in my heart and look forward to the things He's trying to teach me.  Help me!  Give me your insights!

The Failure of New Year Resolutions

It's January 15th.
Have you failed at your New Year Resolution yet?

Now, call me a "glass-half-emtpy" guy, but I feel like our annual resolutions are always doomed from the starting gate.  Much of the reason I feel that this is the case is because our resolutions always seem to be couched in self-willed determination.

"This year -- I will/won't _____________ ."

I think one of the things that the ancient teachers, rabbis, sages, and monks would tell us is that self transformation is not about doing more or trying harder.  It's actually about cutting away and simplifying.  To recall a conversation from Brian McLaren in Finding Our Way Again, the process of transformation includes purgation (purging the excess, unnecessary, and sinful from your life), illumination (letting the truth of God's way illuminate your path), and unification (immersing yourself in God's presence -- as an iron in a fire -- in order to begin taking on His image and be united with Him).

In short, I would say your ticket to becoming a better you is not in doing more or being better.  It is about becoming less and giving God the space to do His work in your heart.

So, instead of making resolutions and vowing to become a person of determination... how about this year, we try to become people of discipline.  We remove some of the unnecessary, we create space for God to move/speak, and we let the discipline and practice make us more like Him.

It will take some intentionality.
But the discipline is our intentional practice of making God a priority -- it turns power loose in our lives.

Maybe it will be some new textual disciplines.  Why don't you make the space for more Text in your life this year?  Read it every day.  Memorize a section every week.  Start writing out a Bible book by hand or by type.  God says that His word goes forth and never returns void; that it always accomplishes it purpose.  He's daring you to trust it.

Maybe it's a season of fasting or a new discipline of feasting.  Maybe you should observe a calendar (Christian, biblical, or personal) with more intentionality.  Not just racing and racing and racing through each new season and school break, but taking in an intentional effort to be more "present" in each moment.  Maybe this needs to be the year of the party -- where you festival and feast like no other.  Celebrate God's goodness.  Let His love change your posture.

Maybe its being intentional about generosity this year.  What if you doubled all your tips in 2013?  How would that change your heart?  What if you practiced more gratitude?  The Jews tried to say 70+ blessings a day.  Try it -- it's hard!

Maybe it's observing a sabbath or making space for silence and solitude.  Maybe it's pilgrimage.  At Impact we have a monthly requirement, what we call a PRD (Personal Retreat Day).  Every staff member is required to take one day a month to go and make space to hear from God.  For me, this is a monthly discipline of silence and solitude which I have combined with pilgrimage.  I go to a mountain and I hike to the top.  Now, I don't think God is more present on mountaintops than other locations, but I do think that when we make a concerted effort to make space for Him we are both more attentive to His voice and He honors our attempts to "be" with Him.

I have recently returned from a mountaintop where I have met with God.  I wouldn't begin to say this experience happens every time I journey to a mountain, but it has happened enough that I make it a regular practice in my life.  Those kind of experiences change a person -- and it's a whole lot more fulfilling than a gym membership (not that those are bad, good physical health is a part of our walk with God as well).

So this year, let's make a belated resolution to throw off resolutions.
Let's become people of discipline and of a radical pursuit of a God that changes hearts.
God doesn't need you to become a better person this year.  He needs you to become more available.

Halfway Through Year #2

We wanted to post a quick look back over the first semester as we usually do each year.  Here is one of the articles from our last newsletter:

BEMA Residents: Megan, Roni, & Amanda

This year has been a definite continuation of all of the things that God started in our ministry last year. It has also been a year full of wonderful surprises and lessons. Here is a look at where we stand after the first semester of our second year of campus ministry:

BUSINESS AS USUAL - All of the ministry that we spent all of last year talking about is still up and running on all cylinders. We have continued to grow the amount of CARE Groups and students involved in that small group ministry (appx. 120-150 students; 9 groups; 3 campuses). Life Groups continue to be a big part of individual student growth. The expansion to LCSC has gone surprisingly well and is a smash hit with a very significant group of the student body there.

INTERNSHIPS - This has been one of the biggest changes and blessings of this year. I was not expecting the time commitment that bringing two interns on would entail (I think we all had visions of our work-load being lightened). My ministry feels like it has become primarily about the work of raising up and training Megan and Nate to do the work of vocational ministry. This work comes with lots of questions, doubts, and lessons about leadership. However, I feel like through these internships, I have accomplished more discipleship than ever before. Bless God!

BEMA HOUSE - The BEMA residents have been a HUGE blessing for me over the last month. While I have been greatly discouraged about what hasn't happened at the house (i.e. strict disciplines, intentional discipleship, more time spent with the students), they have given me great faith in what is happening if I just open my eyes to see it. The students continue to throw parties that are attended by an amazing amount of students; they invite the broken and offer community to those who need it. While I have been busy worrying about the content of the teaching, they have been busy living it. Bless God, again!

BEMA STUDY GROUPS - The groups continue to grow - in attendance, in knowledge, in depth, and in character. We add new students every month and it is so exciting to see them dig into God's Text with vigor and amazement!