Feeling the Intellect

I have spent my whole life thinking.

Thinking is my drug of choice.  When I'm scared or confused or in trouble, I often find ways to run to my intellect and "think it through".  I have always tried to find my identity in my ability to think.  I have tried to prove that I matter and validate my self-worth in how I manage to use my mind.

God has been trying to teach me something about emotion and feeling this year.

And it's driving me crazy because He's not trying to teach me in my 'mind'.  He's trying to teach my heart -- my insides -- something.

In the past, I have always created a safe place for me to exist.  I create a world where I control the information -- both given and received -- and how it is being used.  When life throws me a new experience, I have always immediately attempted to perceive it, understand it, and explain it.  This process has always allowed me figure how the experience philosophically interacts with my worldview; I file it accordingly, pillage its resources (i.e. information), and move on.

This has affected my relationships in life.  For some time, I have been aware of my subconscious desire to keep people and relationships at arms length.  I do this for a few reasons.  First, it's safer; more distance means less impact.  Secondly, doing this allows me to maintain perspective.  If I can keep you at arms length, I can continue to monitor, analyze, learn and respond based on my reasoning.

I love you, just don't get close to me.
I can't study you if you are up close.

I have also been aware (intellectually aware, mind you) of the challenges this posture of life presents to me.  I have evaluated my life like a lab report and made the appropriate, logical changes.  I have found that one of the ways that I best serve the Kingdom is for me to become a part of the team and find the right places to question the status quo.  I am a question-asker.

I have done this with theology and God Himself.  I have realized that I love the drug of thought.  It feeds my soul and gives me the false sense of "closeness" to learn and have God blow up my mind and understanding over and over again.  

But God has recently begun pulling at my security blanket of understanding.  For the first time in my life, I have pursued deep and meaningful relationships in my ministry.  Without realizing what had happened, I found that I had backed myself into a place where I was emotionally connected to people that I was investing into.  I found that their struggles and pains are much more than simply problems to be evaluated, critiqued and adjusted.  I have found that even in the midst of my perfectly functional explanation, I still hurt.  I share in their pain.  I continue to think of a good friend of mine who talked about how relationship is messy, because it invites me to deal with their dirty laundry.

And I'm exhausted.
(NOTE: This is not to say that I am "down" or depressed.  On the contrary, I feel very spiritually healthy and a little bit "alive" through this whole experience.  I believe my exhaustion is largely mental and connected to my inability to file the experience in my mental cabinets.)

My family has become the long process of applying and being licensed for foster care.  I did this for what I would have called compassion and wanting to pursue a heart that beats like God's.  However, I came to that conclusion based on intellectual evaluation of my theology and a deep questioning of whether the status quo of my life was consistent to my stated belief.  I found that I wanted to do more, I made the appropriate changes (based on much prayer), and executed the plan.

What I didn't see in my plan was how much the pain of children would mess with my heart.  The suffering of innocent people looks at my understanding and my theology and my philosophy of restoration/redemption and it laughs -- it mocks -- my intellect.  It continues to point out the blatant limitations that fall upon my detached understanding of reality.

There are no profound observations at the end of this post.  Just a few questions.  And I know that the irony of this situation is that I'm trying to glean information in order to understand the very heart that I said was obviously bigger than my mind.  I understand the irony -- and yet this is the only way that I know how to live.  It is how I've been made.  So, I've become willing to admit that my worldview is limited and in need of other people and I'm wondering if you might be willing to humor me for a moment.

As a means of introspection: How are you wired?  How do you see the world?  What are the limitations that you've encountered in how to relate to all the stimulus around you?  Could God be trying to teach you something right now?

But most importantly, I wanted to ask a question of those people that DON'T see the world like I do -- in fact my opposites (who probably don't read my blog, so this may be a pointless endeavor).  For those of you who love to engage feeling and emotion:  What are the positives of your experience?  What do you enjoy about feeling and emotion?  How does it speak to you and what does it accomplish in your life?

I'd love to hear some feedback from you, because it may help me understand my own experiences that I try to avoid for much of my life.  I also feel as though there is much I have yet to unpack.  This is the tip of the proverbial iceberg for my life.  I am excited to see what God can redeem in my heart and look forward to the things He's trying to teach me.  Help me!  Give me your insights!